Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner

An Iron Maiden track and a phrase I've heard used a fair few times when describing long distance running.   After having cleared my first 10K run this morning I don't think the phrase fits, at least not for me.   I was out for 70 minutes today and that isolation; the monotonous pounding of foot to pavement; the only requirement to put one foot in front of another brings with it a sense of clarity, your mind is set free and can wander without any of the obligations of mundane life.  It's liberating, not lonely at all.

I had the flu vaccine on Saturday morning and by Sunday night it left me feeling generally shitty and achey so today was my first exercise since then.  It's a measure of my improved fitness that I was able to hit the road and run further than I've ever gone before.   Yay me!

Today I was thinking about grief.  I've talked about my triumphs, my setbacks and my grief but today I was thinking about a huge part of that grief which I haven't touched on...that part is Shauna's grief, as my beloved wife and Rhiannon's mummy her grief is a huge part of mine but subtly different too.

Rhiannon has now been gone from our lives for as long as she was in Shauna's womb, a strange thought perhaps but it's a mother's thought.  As much as we men have our paternal and protective instincts we'll never know the feelings that a mother holds for her child, how can we? We're ignorant of the feeling of our bodies changing and adapting as a life grows inside, we don't share the same body chemistry and will never know the agony and ecstasy of bringing a new life into the world.   We can imagine but we'll never know.  So whilst it has been nine months since Rhiannon's been gone my thoughts of grief are very much about Shauna's grief rather than my own, I still miss Rhiannon with all of my heart but right now I think Shauna's grief is more prominent than mine.  

That's when we count our blessings for being together, for we are two sides of the same coin, almost never are we both down together and generally balance each other emotionally.

I'd be lost without my wife, I don't always get it right, but let's face it who does, it's part of life and sharing it with someone so close to you day in, day out; but in my mind there can be no doubt that Shauna is the day to my night and combined our grief is the grief of parents who have lost their child, I thank God every night that it's a grief I don't have to share alone...

Another month down!

Well September is over - hasn't been a great month for training or grief.  Hurting my ankle mid-month put me off my feet for 9 days which still feels like a massive set back even though that's probably more in my head than anywhere else.

As for the grief it comes and goes in waves, occasionally rising from background swell to an emotional tsunami; I had a major meltdown this month and all because of a woolly glove.  It's okay to have these days, you just have to recognize you're having a bad day and ride it out...it's all part of being human.  The danger lies in blocking the bad days out so you end up exploding catastrophically under the pressure of putting a brave face on...on that path lies madness.

Overall a slower month than I'd hoped to have but still making slow but steady progress. For the first time in 12-18 months I'm back below 15st in weight and hoping it will stay off too, though ideally there's at least another 10 pound to come off...at least...

Boring numbers bit:
Weight 209lb (a loss of 9.8lb)
Body Fat 30.6% (a loss of 3% fat)

A long way to go before I'd describe myself as fit again but I'll get there...I made a promise...

On the mend...

Well last Friday I managed to knacker my ankle on a 3 mile run.  Rested up on Saturday, put on some very sensible walking shoes on Sunday and went for a short walk (3 miles is a short walk for me these days).  Limped home with my ankle protesting at every step, though the dog was happy.   So I've rested since then and the lack of walking/running is driving me bonkers.

My lovely wife bought me a new game (Destiny - pretty good) but I'm really missing that empty mind focus of just concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other.

To top it off this last few days we've lost several more young children who have died from Batten's disease.   That brings the total from our small online community to around 40 children who have died so far this year.  

Forty kids...doesn't sound like a lot does it?  That's only the ones we know of and Batten's disease is only one of around 5000 rare diseases that are killing or children.  Do the math and suddenly you're looking at 20000 children; a very ballpark figure but when you consider that the WHO (World Health Organisation) is requesting a billion dollars to tackle the Ebola outbreak which has claimed approximately 2500 lives to date, then you have to wonder at our complacency in tackling this huge database of known rare diseases with the same vigour. 

It's why I do this, the blog, the running and anything else that goes along with trying to raise awareness of these diseases that take our children from us.

In lighter news Wednesday is weigh day!  I'm not dieting per se but I am trying to eat a little more sensibly than before but the lack of exercise since Friday had me quite nervous this morning so I was very pleasantly surprised to find...

Weight 210.8lb (I've lost exactly 7lb since starting)
Body fat 30.7 (a loss of 2.9%)

I know if the exercise had gone to plan I'd have been sub 15 stone for the first time in over a year but I know everything is going in the right direction.

I'm going to curb my impatience and try a walk on Friday...just a little one...

The Long Walk...

Of all the things I have done this past month, the jogging, the running, the jumping up and down like an idiot in front of the telly (and it's not even the Six Nations) the hardest thing of all has been the walking...

The running and exercise leave me sweaty and out of breath but the walks...the walks grab my heart with both hands and squeeze so hard I think it's going to burst.  The pain is almost unbearable and I'm looking forward to the rain coming as the tears don't show when you're soaking wet.  When I walk my hands are empty and there is a space on the pavement in front of me where Rhiannon used to be. I've even twigged to the fact that Charlie isn't trying to pull ahead of me, he's walking to heel where the front wheel of Rhiannon's chair should be, he misses her too.

Today she's been gone from our lives for 8 months and like, trying to fill a colander with water, no matter how much we try to fit into our life it drains away leaving an empty shell.  Family and friends plug the gap and give us moments of love, pride, even happiness but the inevitable return home to a new routine, a more casual pace reaffirms the hole that Rhiannon's absence leaves in our hearts.

Some days are worse than others and you lie in bed struggling to find a reason to wake up tomorrow, looking for that one crack of light that gives a reason to go on.

I won't give up, I made a promise but I miss her so much...

The End of the Month!

Well that's it for August's training - a few downs but mainly solid, steady progress.  Do I feel any different - honestly? Yes - I do feel a lot better in myself and I can see what some people warn of when they say that running can be addictive, when Freddie Mercury sang that 'pain is so close to pleasure' he must have written that after a run!

So this is the summary of my walking/running since I started on 6th August.

43.77 miles
9.06 hours

I've lost 4.6lbs and 1.6% body fat.

Looking forward to September and October I have 69 and 93 miles of running to do - so by the end of October I will have covered 201 miles!  Not bad for a fat, old bloke :o)

!!Buzzing!!

Well after Wednesday's miserably failed attempt to run for 2 miles I was thoroughly despondent but today I absolutely nailed it - a 3 mile run with only 2 slowdowns for a total of 200 paces of walking and that was in lashing rain and howling wind and I still managed a sub 11:00 mile - feeling on top of the world this morning and I know Rhiannon would be proud of her fat old dad today :o)

Dr Who?

I sat down and watched the first of the new series of Dr Who this morning - Peter Capaldi was excellent, sharp and moody, distinctly darker than the previous two doctors and creating a blend akin to a cocktail of the best bits of William Hartnell mixed with Peter Cushing and a tad of Tom Baker - I loved...but it made me sad too...

Since 2005 when Christopher Eccleston materialized back onto our screens the return of Dr Who signalled the beginning of autumn and the descent into the long, cold, dark winter nights...it was a time when Saturday evenings were inviolate, 'Do Not Disturb' may as well have been written in letters a foot high on the living room door...for it was my time with Rhiannon...we'd grab our favourite blanket and curl up together on the sofa and watch Dr Who...she could still see when Dr Who was first relaunched and I took great delight in pretending to be scared along with her, tickling her to lighten the mood if things got a little bit too frightening...she was only 5 after all....

Now those moments are gone, with it another reminder that there is a hole in my heart, it will never heal...oh I'll function better and be able to put more of a brave face on but it still hurts...every day...there will always be reminders that she has gone...I just have to learn to deal with them for she'll never be back...the hurt will never go away...

But one thing Rhiannon taught is to make the most of everything, use every breath, every emotion, waste nothing...so the hurt and pain are turned inwards...focused into my drive to complete this and every other fundraising event I can for her...to honour her courage and bravery...even in the face of her last minutes on this Earth she was still strong and brave...still teaching us how to be better people...

God I miss her