Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner

An Iron Maiden track and a phrase I've heard used a fair few times when describing long distance running.   After having cleared my first 10K run this morning I don't think the phrase fits, at least not for me.   I was out for 70 minutes today and that isolation; the monotonous pounding of foot to pavement; the only requirement to put one foot in front of another brings with it a sense of clarity, your mind is set free and can wander without any of the obligations of mundane life.  It's liberating, not lonely at all.

I had the flu vaccine on Saturday morning and by Sunday night it left me feeling generally shitty and achey so today was my first exercise since then.  It's a measure of my improved fitness that I was able to hit the road and run further than I've ever gone before.   Yay me!

Today I was thinking about grief.  I've talked about my triumphs, my setbacks and my grief but today I was thinking about a huge part of that grief which I haven't touched on...that part is Shauna's grief, as my beloved wife and Rhiannon's mummy her grief is a huge part of mine but subtly different too.

Rhiannon has now been gone from our lives for as long as she was in Shauna's womb, a strange thought perhaps but it's a mother's thought.  As much as we men have our paternal and protective instincts we'll never know the feelings that a mother holds for her child, how can we? We're ignorant of the feeling of our bodies changing and adapting as a life grows inside, we don't share the same body chemistry and will never know the agony and ecstasy of bringing a new life into the world.   We can imagine but we'll never know.  So whilst it has been nine months since Rhiannon's been gone my thoughts of grief are very much about Shauna's grief rather than my own, I still miss Rhiannon with all of my heart but right now I think Shauna's grief is more prominent than mine.  

That's when we count our blessings for being together, for we are two sides of the same coin, almost never are we both down together and generally balance each other emotionally.

I'd be lost without my wife, I don't always get it right, but let's face it who does, it's part of life and sharing it with someone so close to you day in, day out; but in my mind there can be no doubt that Shauna is the day to my night and combined our grief is the grief of parents who have lost their child, I thank God every night that it's a grief I don't have to share alone...